made to love her. all of her.

I have been a spiritual writer since the day I first discovered journaling. My first diary was a small square notebook with Garfield on the front. He had daring eyes and a cartoon speech bubble stating “Mine, All Mine.”  I had handwritten at the top, “Stay Out!” The journal was safe from prying eyes with a padlock on the side. That journal pretty much symbolized my life’s relationship with my writing (Mine! Keep Out!) and with my confidence in my Spiritual Self Worth (much safer to keep it locked up where no one can judge it).  It is impossible to read through these journals without crying and wanting desperately to reach through those pages and hold the little girl/young woman who feels so much, who analyzes everything, and who can not see her own dizzyingly beautiful soul. These journals are filled with love letters to God, outpourings of my innocence, and disguised confessions of my insecurities. Yet what was clearly missing is an adoration not only of Spirit above, but of Spirit within. And so, this spring marks the three year anniversary of my first tip-toe exploration into the awakening of self-love. The journey, as all journeys do, has taken me through joy and expansion, but also through depths of despair and hopelessness. What is being revealed along the way is that while spiritual longing has always been a central part of who I am, I was using that as yet another way to "fix" myself and to escape. And when I saw that so clearly, I entered into a deep grieving period. During this same time period, I fell in love with a wonderful man and for the first time entered into a transparent relationship rooted in truth. While this was an answered prayer, it also took away yet another escape route. Basically, I was forced to face all of my bullshit. And I panicked. I got sick. I felt as if I was starting over. Re-learning how to pray. How to meditate. How to loosen up. How to ride the sometimes tumultuous wave of the feminine flow. How to love myself even, and especially, when I was far from having the answers.  I have been hesitant (AFRAID) to share the full transparent picture of my successful and failed attempts at self-love. Until recently. Others have truly inspired me. Women who have gone before me and opened themselves to the rawest state and shared it with everyone. And as I observe the effect of these beautiful beings' truth on my soul, I know to the deepest part of me that I was made to do this. It is so simple. I was made to love Her. All of Her. And I was made to share it all with everyone. Not to show them the way. But to show courage in me trying to find my way, so that maybe it will give others a moment of inspiration to find their own truth.  For now, this tiny speck of internet space is my way of taking off the padlock. The blog portion is a way for me to share my musings on healing, loving, transforming, accepting, mothering, and awakening the Divine Feminine. The classes and events page is pretty self-explanatory. The Kundalini page will provide a platform for sharing the meditations and kriyas that I love as well as provide a platform for me to post kriyas/meditations/music from class each week. Sat Nam! (In truth I dwell) ~ Kewal Nam Kaur